identity theft

Sometimes I have moments (days, weeks...) when I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I really am. Generally I have a pretty good idea, but just occasionally it comes into question. So often I identify myself by the things I do...and lately that has all changed. Less often I identify myself by the things I know are true--even though I recognize those truths, they feel like the easiest things to be stolen away from me, leaving me with those moments of question.

In leaving my job at CCC, I felt like a huge part of my identity just disappeared. I have completely changed what I do for a living, what I do in my spare time, what occupies my mind, who I interact with on a daily basis. It's enormously dissatisfying to know that a part of you is missing. Currently on my reading list is Nancy Beach's book called Gifted to Lead--about being a woman leader in a world run by men. She reminds us that God didn't make a mistake when He made women leaders. That's reassuring. But only when I think of what could happen in my future life. Not in the context of my present life.

My identity constantly shifts--the things that identified me in high school and even college have morphed and adapted to new situations, my personality reflects some of these changes. There are parts of me that I like much better now than I did in high school. But there are parts of my high school and college identity that have been lost in the shuffle of my becoming someone different, someone more adult, someone more in control, someone needing order and balance in her life.

I don't think I can always control my identity. Sometimes it just happens to be who I am in the moments when I'm not conscious of my actions, when I have no one to impress and nothing to lose. I want more of those moments, but the reality is that I just care too much how I am perceived. I think this is a chronic condition...it's not going to go away no matter how successful or confident I become--I will still be somewhere inside the little girl I used to be...the little girl who envisioned herself doing great things but stayed within the limits of what she thought was actually achievable.

If I put my identity in the hands of the things I do or the hands of people around me, I will never keep it for very long. Those things are stolen from me every minute of every day. I am learning the art of gracefully accepting the identity stuffed inside my balanced and controlled exterior...and sometimes I look in the mirror and for a split second and see that true identity.