One of my greatest fears is that I will go through life living half-heartedly. I wonder, do we really live at our whole-hearted potential, or do we simply go through life waiting for those shining moments that allow us to really BE....be awake to the world as a marvelous and magnificent place, be in the presence of God, be in love with the people who make our lives worth living, be quiet and revel in the wonder of the stars....
Sometimes I want to just BE. In each and every moment, full of wonder, whole-hearted and involved in all the moments of my life. But it seems easier to live on the outskirts of passion. It seems less risky, less confusing, less hurtful, less intense....just LESS. But living on the edges is different than living on the edge. I've always found that phrase bold and inacurate. Aren't we all really living on the edge of something? Somehow living on the edge means taking risks, being brave, strong, courageous and innovative. We all live on the edge of something greater than ourselves, I think, even when we feel we may be in the midst of it. I always get the sensation that something is looming on the horizon, no matter what is happening in my life. We are on the brink...of something. But we also live on the edges....of relationships, commitment, happiness, contentment. Can we live IN the midst of those things for more than mere moments of our lives?
I like to think that I'm an optimist. I like to think that we can dive into the world as it presents itself to us, in ways unfathomably large and beyond our control. On my honest days, though, I have to admit that I am more like my dad the pessimist than I like to think, because sometimes the thing looming on the horizon is dark and scary, not shining and bright. It is more like The Nothing, coming closer all the time, threatening to envelop my whole world.
Fortunately,
Jesus calls us to Life. Life abundant. That is the Life I crave, for which my soul cries out and I find the energy to throw myself whole-heartedly into the fray. And in those moments, I can BE.
I think we're on the brink of something large.
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1 comment:
I love what you wrote hear about "edges." I agree.
But I don't think it is really about whether you are an optimist or a pesimist. It is more a practise of letting go. I have met a lot of people in my life that miss out because they won't let go of their pride or they won't let go of their safety net.
We would go to do something silly and they wouldn't come because they thought it was beneath them. And really they would have a lot of fun just being... silly.
Or they won't love people because they might get hurt, when really you get hurt anyway, it only gets easier when you trust and love someone enough to talk it out.
I think it is a real waste to live a whole life scared.
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