on becoming family

Being family is a tricky thing. I am learning the differences between being family and becoming family--holidays have a way of congregating everyone together. Christmas this year was the first of many spent with both families...and it was chaotic and fun and crazy and exhausting.

My family is...my family. I have been around them for 25 years, so of course I have acclimated to their quirks. Bringing Lucas into the family atmosphere for Christmas heightened my awareness of those quirks, and the traditions that we have that are normal to me but probably seemed a little weird to him--

Like the fact that my Grandpa always gets all the kids the same thing, so once one of us opens our Grandpa gift, we all know what we're getting. Every year we get a calendar of varying themes--kittens, puppies, cows, pigs, etc. And something quirky. This year's random gift--a box of Cheezits. And various snacks. He thinks it's really funny, and by now it's a tradition...you always get a random/slightly odd gift from Grandpa.

Or the fact that my aunt usually gives us all an article of clothing that is never quite what you expect (although she has gotten much better since her children have become trendy)...like toe socks, or sweaters that don't quite fit.

And then my mom goes all out with stockings--every practical hygiene item you could need is wrapped individually so it looks more exciting. I never buy a toothbrush or toothpaste in the month of December, because I know that it will be in my stocking, along with a stick of gel deodorant, which I have told my mother that I don't wear but she insists on putting in my stocking anyway.

And then we have a turkey dinner and play games, and usually someone gets offended or mad at some point and there is an argument, but we resolve it quickly with more snacks or desserts or something, and my uncle lies on the couch reading National Geographic while the rest of us play Apples to Apples. He will get up if we play a Scrabble-related game, if my aunt doesn't play. My cousin Matt will be easily entertained by a new game--this year, it was a coffee mug--or by texting his friends from school, invariably girls.

So this year we packed all that in....plus a trip to Wisconsin with the Motleys. The Motleys go away for Christmas and stay in a hotel, which was not the most appealing thing I could imagine for Christmas because of the aforementioned things my family does. But it wasn't that much different--gifts, games, food, movies...with a waterpark thrown in and lots of Veggie Tales for the baby.

It's still weird to think about the Motleys as my family...because they aren't. They are becoming my family. Family is one of those tricky words that can cause confusion and anxiety, but also can be one of the most comforting and supporting places on earth. It's not a choice, family, it just exists. And when it functions, the holidays are absolutely worth all the chaos.

i wish....

I wish there was a clear-cut road for life. A nice paved one, with painted lines and exit signs and turn lanes and stoplights. And maybe the occasional dirt road for people who feel adventurous. It would be so helpful.

But I know it doesn't work that way. I just wish it could sometimes. The next year is going to be insane. I guess I'm just trying to gear up for it.

we were made for each other

No, I'm not going to write a mushy post about my new fiance. (That word is so weird!!) The title does not refer to our relationship...per se.

It refers to the fact that I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that we are created to live in community. Life was not meant to be lived in a vacuum. It was meant to be shared in all its glory--including the ups and downs, the smiles and laughs, tears and fights and all that makes up a life.

I think I've known this for a while, but I was reminded again of how great community is by two things that happened recently. On Friday night we did our annual Christmas decorating at Montgomery campus. If you've never experienced Montgomery campus in December, you really should. It is very magical. I half expect little elves to come out of the cracks and crevices.

There were the most people I think we have ever had to help decorate this year, and of course the decorations were even more extravagant than usual--every year we get bigger and better, which means that every year we can say it was the best one ever. But it was so much fun to walk in to the building after work on Friday and feel like I had come home to a bunch of family decorating the house for the holidays. I can't explain why, but recently something has shifted within me and I have begun to really feel like my church family really is family. We had a ton of fun decorating, eating pizza, and just hanging out together on Friday. It was much less stressful than an actual family event!

And then on Monday (which should be recorded as one of the most magical days of my life to date thanks to one Lucas Motley) I was reminded again that people want to share things with each other. They really do, whether they admit it or not. Because Lucas proposed to me in the middle of the skating rink at Millennium Park, and when he stood up, we hugged each other and the whole crowd at the skating rink started cheering. And as we skated off the ice, people passing us wished us many congratulations, and you could tell that even though we were strangers there was something exciting about sharing that moment with us.

And oddly enough, we talked about community this morning as we looked over the Big Idea guide for January. It seems I can't escape the force of community. Even though I convince myself sometimes that I am fully capable of doing life on my own, it's not true. It's a lie that we can be self-reliant. We need community in order to be happy. In order to share our happiness. In order to get through this thing called life. We were made for each other.

You know it's a good date when...

...at the end of the night you're engaged.

It was a great date last night. :o)

We all want to change the world...

I'm currently working on the Big Idea discussion guide for our January series called Revolutionaries, and it's stirring up a lot of interesting dust in my brain.

When you hear the word revolutionary, what do you think of? I think of all the famous role models I look up to, whose achievements seem impossibly beyond my reach. I will never be a Mother Teresa, a Rosa Parks, a Martin Luther King...I always hope that eventually I will reach the aspirations I had as a child; I forget (often) that this is when I should be doing that--it slips my mind that I reside in the world of adults now. That seems so surreal sometimes.

As I was writing about revolutionary celebration, I was reminded that although I think that it's the massively life-changing people who revolutionize the world...the small things are just as important. Starting with the little things can revolutionize how I view my relationship with God and how I celebrate His constant presence in my life. Changing the world starts with revolutionizing my own way of celebrating my faith.

I don't know that I will ever be a revolutionary in my own mind, or that anyone will really take notice of my life in the vast scheme of the universe. But I do know that I can celebrate each day, even the really cold, windy, and ugly days of winter that have come upon us...I can celebrate the stray sunbeams that escape the blankets of clouds...I can celebrate the people I love...I can celebrate the wonder of this marvelous season of sparkling promise. Christmas always fills me with hope, despite the brutal weather, the materialism, the crowds...it's still a beautiful season. so maybe the revolution has already started...

and the angels danced...

I love in the Bible that it says that heaven rejoices when someone comes to God. I think there was a LOT of rejoicing this weekend. In fact, I know there was a lot of rejoicing this weekend...I was there.

Baptism has become my favorite expression of faith; it is so public that you can't deny the decision, you can't be ashamed of your faith, you can't ignore the community of Christ followers cheering you on in that moment. The excitement of sharing that with people always overwhelms me.

This was one of those weekends. It's so powerful to see people make decisions to be baptized...it's so powerful when that decision happens in a heartbeat--because you can't deny the work of the Holy Spirit in those moments. Not only did we have 3 people baptized during service Saturday night, 3 more decided in the moment after service to make that commitment.

One of those 3 people was one of my leaders. He has been a dedicated leader for a long time now...and he played guitar this weekend. It was a whirlwind after service, and next thing I knew he was in the baptistry--in all his clothes, not even bothering to change, throwing things out of his pockets to his kids, his wife with tears running down her face (and she wasn't the only one)...it was one of the more beautiful moments I've seen. We celebrated loud and hard for him. And the angels danced, I'm sure of it.

This morning Jenn came in and said that her daughter Avery decided last night she wanted to be baptized. It was clear on Jenn's face how much that decision meant. My friend Heather told me that when her sons decided to get baptized it was the biggest moment of her life as a parent--that even though you think about the day when they'll leave home and get married and become parents themselves, the most important moment in a parent's life is seeing their children give their lives to Christ. It was so incredible to see our whole church celebrating with Jenn and Carter as they baptized their daughter this morning. And the angels danced.

They dance for each of us, every time we find our way back to God. No one is too unimportant. I like to think we each get our own individual dance, and that maybe when I get to heaven I can have a patented dance move the angels did when I made that decision. And when we're all there together, I can teach you The Charissa.

And the angels will dance. Forever and ever.

there are moments...

...when being a woman in ministry feels a little bit like trying to get into the Boys' Club. They are all sitting around drinking beer and eating potato chips and I walk in with a martini...I'm at the party but not really partying.

I don't think this is ever the intention. I don't believe for a second that the guys I work with even think about the fact that they are guys and I am not. But I have the overwhelming urge sometimes to prove that I can do everything they can do, and I can do it better.

Is it wrong to be competitive in ministry? I always say that I'm not a competitive person...and relatively speaking, that is true. At least in comparison with certain parties....particularly the Pruntys....I am very non-competitive. But I think the truth is that I only compete when I think I can. When I think I am equal to the challenge and there is a chance that I might "win." It comes back to my fear of looking stupid in front of people. If I know I'm going to make a fool of myself, I will either not do something or I will make fun of how bad I am at that something. (I am trying to overcome this...Lucas is helping by making me do things like play Guitar Hero and go skiing.) But when it comes to ministry, I want my ministry to be the best. I want to prove that I can hack it, that being a girl doesn't put me at a disadvantage.

But I don't think I will ever like beer, so maybe the Boys' Club isn't for me after all...





*the author would like to thank Julie and a random bartender for inspiring this conversation*

Jesus On Demand

So here's an interesting idea, right? Jesus On Demand, kind of like Comcast On Demand? Wouldn't it be nice sometimes to be able to have that kind of immediate response...just flip on the Jesus switch and get the answers you need?

It seems a little flippant, sure, but I have moments when I just need insta-Jesus. For example...my roommates and I (I guess I should say former roommates) have been having a really hard time talking to our former landlord in an attempt to retrieve our security deposit. I called him last week with every intention of being civil, and not only did he rant at me for a good five minutes without stopping, at the end of the conversation he swore at me and hung up on me.

In this scenario, I need Jesus On Demand to tell me 1) how to contain my anger, 2) how to act toward my landlord, and 3)remind me that he cares about my landlord as a person, even though I don't. But at the time, I didn't know that I needed all those things--I just knew I was mad. This post is several days removed from the incident, so I have had some time to compose myself, but honestly I can't remember ever being so angry in my entire life. How do you be Christ-like in such a scenario?

I don't know the answer. The problem is that I have a tendency to be highly impatient, and it's difficult to wait on God's responses to my cries...because that's what they are for the most part--cries for direction or attention or whatever the case may be. I am also a bad listener. I envy people who have the ability to really listen to God...I hear him mainly when it's the last thing I want to hear because I have been so stubborn that he has no choice but to shout at me. That's the way it goes.

So my Jesus On Demand idea would be incredibly convenient. For me.

a picture is worth a thousand words

It's really true. A good photograph can make me think, laugh, cry, wonder, remember, admire, ponder, question. A good photograph can break my heart....from pain or beauty.

My friend Jer is an amazing photographer. I thought you should see some of his pictures. They are breathtaking and heartbreaking and spectacular.

legacies

This morning's Leadership Community featured the commissioning of our team launching a new church in Kansas City (check out their blog--link to the left). There is something that stirs inside me every time we do this--when we start a new church or new campus, we bring up the team and pray over them, and then acknowledge the fact that they are doing something lasting for the Kingdom of God. I know that we all do lasting things for the Kingdom, myself included, but sometimes I want to be part of something bigger than my everyday life....

I want to leave a legacy. (Cue over-played, slightly-cheesy Nichole Nordeman song here....it should be playing in your head right about...now.)

Some people do this without even trying. At the end of LC, Perry Martin (also on the blog list to the left) got up to do reminders, but before that he shared how much Troy (leader of KC team) had impacted his life--he called it leaving a thumbprint. And then he asked everyone who felt that Troy had left a thumbprint on their lives to raise their hands...and it must have been at least about 75% of the room. It was something of an overwhelming moment....I can't imagine how that felt for Troy. The enormity of one person leaving a "thumbprint" on that many lives staggers me.

On a related note, I am currently back home in Springfield because my family is celebrating my grandpa's 80th birthday tomorrow. My grandpa is another person whose legacy will live on....I think half the city of Springfield is indebted to him in some form or another. My grandparents moved to Springfield in the 50s when my grandpa opened his medical practice. He eventually became the medical director of one of our local hospitals, and now is "retired", which means that instead of being medical director, he works at the hospice. (I think a real retirement would be hazardous to his health.) I am always proud of my grandpa. I am proud that he is MY grandpa. That he is well-known in his community as someone who puts others first, who has had a lifetime of selflessness, who lives humbly and loves his family unconditionally. I can't begin to express everything that my grandparents mean to me. I don't know who I would be without their influence.

When I look at all the people who have influenced (and continue to influence) my life, only a few have remained throughout the years as a constant source of inspiration. The biggest one is my grandpa. He has every right to live in a half-million dollar home, enjoying his retirement and squandering his money after the work he has done for the last fifty+ years....but instead he gives of himself all the time. And it shows in the way other people respect him. He has shown me how to live a blessed life, and I hope that when I am 80 years old I am halfway to the point he is now.

We leave legacies long before we die. The legacy lives in earnest with each day. I see people all around me seizing their dreams, their visions, and leaving in their wake a trail of inspiration. I count myself lucky to work with people whose vision is contagious, whose legacies follow behind them like their shadows--visible and present-- in a church that is never stagnant.

one of those days....

So yesterday I had what can only be described as a retarded day. I know, I know, what an ugly word choice, but seriously....

On Thursdays I go to DePaul for class...in Lincoln Park. On Thursdays I also teach ONE piano lesson in Romeoville. And I live in Aurora (not just on Thursdays but every day). So typically I drive to Romeoville to do my piano lesson and since I'm right by the interstate I go ahead and head into DePaul. Yesterday, though, I forgot my wallet. This is significant for 2 reasons: I needed gas, and I needed my student ID. Generally I don't freak out if I forget my license...it's usually fine. But there was no way I was making it to the city unless I got gas. So I had to drive all the way back to Aurora, which put me way behind schedule, and also had me leaving at a bad traffic time.

Prior to all this, however, I walked into a window.
That was the low point of my day.
I'm serious. It's hard to envision without seeing it, but I went to open a door, found it locked, turned to go into another room (this was all right before I had to teach a piano lesson) and walked smack into the door-height window. I thought I broke my nose. I mean, I hit the window full force, with my nose. And I don't know about you, but I have found that I have a highly sensitive nose--in matters of pain. Any time I get hit in the nose (which, let me tell you, is more frequent than you might think) it hurts more than I think it should. So the dull throbbing that sustained through the rest of the day yesterday across the bridge of my nose and cheekbones did not help as I sat in traffic.

It was really one of those days. A retarded day. And yes, my nose is still feeling a little sore. I wouldn't be surprised if it bruises...it would be just my luck.

Why I love volunteers

Exhibit A:



I guess I should clarify...I love MY volunteers at my campus. They are totally rad, as can be seen in the above example. But in all seriousness, our services would be totally lame without my awesome team of volunteers who give up their weekends after working all week in order to have artistic moments in church. I love working with my team of artists. I really do. And there is no way I could make all the artistic elements we plan happen on my own. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a one-woman show. So thanks to all the volunteers at Montgomery...I really appreciate you all. I love that you roll with the punches, and that no matter how weird our ideas may seem, you help me make them happen. Even when I want to sing Madonna. With a side ponytail. You wear afro wigs, and play crazy songs, and give up your Saturdays for rehearsal....and just plain rock.

I think I have the best volunteers at CCC. I know that it's not really a competition, but my artists are the best. We're not supposed to say that, but you know what, I'm gonna put it out there. Sometimes I feel like Montgomery is the little campus that could, the underdog campus, and I'm out to prove that we rock as hard as anyone else. Especially to 80s music...

the church....stayin' alive

If you were alive in the 70s, it probably looked nothing like this:






...but we sure had fun this weekend!

a swift kick in the butt....

Don't you hate when you think you are doing a good job at something...and then you find out that you're not? It's pretty much the worst feeling ever. Probably not ever...I guess I can think of worse things, like having someone be disappointed in you (which is THE worst feeling ever and infurates me!), but it's not too pleasant.

Take today for instance. Every time we talk about tithing at church, I don't really pay attention, because I tithe. Or at least I thought I tithed. But apparently I don't really. I got to see just how my record of tithing and the church's record of my tithing (since they also know my salary!) actually line up, and I was actually really surprised. So I guess when they talk about having leaders tithe, I should be paying attention. Huh.

It turns out that I am terrible at keeping track of my finances. Half the time I don't even know when I get paid...I know it's generally around the 15th and the 30th, but if it's an off-week, I don't pay attention. I don't balance my checkbook. I check my bank statements online. I use my debit card like there is no tomorrow. I never carry cash. (Although I'm trying to get better at that one to keep track of my small expenditures more competently...like Starbucks and Borders and WalMart...yes, I shop at WalMart.) And I found out that I don't keep track of my tithing either. I'm kind of hit or miss, I knew that, what with being at church so much that I forget to do things like write a check, but I had no idea it was THIS bad!

Nothing like a swift kick in the butt to make you see what you need to do better. This is the real me, I suppose. Slightly irresponsible and a little flighty...please don't hold it against me. I'm working on it, I promise...

nothing to fear....

One of my greatest fears is that I will go through life living half-heartedly. I wonder, do we really live at our whole-hearted potential, or do we simply go through life waiting for those shining moments that allow us to really BE....be awake to the world as a marvelous and magnificent place, be in the presence of God, be in love with the people who make our lives worth living, be quiet and revel in the wonder of the stars....

Sometimes I want to just BE. In each and every moment, full of wonder, whole-hearted and involved in all the moments of my life. But it seems easier to live on the outskirts of passion. It seems less risky, less confusing, less hurtful, less intense....just LESS. But living on the edges is different than living on the edge. I've always found that phrase bold and inacurate. Aren't we all really living on the edge of something? Somehow living on the edge means taking risks, being brave, strong, courageous and innovative. We all live on the edge of something greater than ourselves, I think, even when we feel we may be in the midst of it. I always get the sensation that something is looming on the horizon, no matter what is happening in my life. We are on the brink...of something. But we also live on the edges....of relationships, commitment, happiness, contentment. Can we live IN the midst of those things for more than mere moments of our lives?

I like to think that I'm an optimist. I like to think that we can dive into the world as it presents itself to us, in ways unfathomably large and beyond our control. On my honest days, though, I have to admit that I am more like my dad the pessimist than I like to think, because sometimes the thing looming on the horizon is dark and scary, not shining and bright. It is more like The Nothing, coming closer all the time, threatening to envelop my whole world.

Fortunately,

Jesus calls us to Life. Life abundant. That is the Life I crave, for which my soul cries out and I find the energy to throw myself whole-heartedly into the fray. And in those moments, I can BE.

I think we're on the brink of something large.

blog neglect

Yes, my blog has been suffering from severe posting neglect recently...I didn't realize how extremely time-consuming moving can actually be, and all the accompanying drama. Five people's crap + really big house x 2 years' worth of accumulation of junk, dust, and dirt = one really gross house, and one rather peevish landlord...or should I say ex-landlord...who is reluctant to return a rather large security deposit. Thankfully, this saga is drawing to a close, although we are not home-free yet...we are having waste removal problems at the moment, which makes no one happy, least of all those of us waiting for our security deposits. Moving is the bane of my existence right now.

But I have found an author who might be my kindred spirit in disguise. I picked up Shauna Niequist's book Cold Tangerines based mainly on the title and the bright orange cover...but started reading last night and only stopped when I was about halfway through and it was after midnight. I think if we ever met we would have a high probability of being friends. She writes the way I would if I wrote about myself, which I guess is what happens here on this blog suffering neglect and abuse, collecting figurative dust on the shelf. It's rare to feel like you know an author or that they are anything like yourself...but it's nice to sense that someone else is expressing your heart of hearts, and expressing it eloquently and poetically and humorously and beautifully.

faith like a child

This was one of the best weekends we've had in a long time at church. Not because everything was executed perfectly or because we planned the best service ever, but because God changes people's lives.

Not only was this the first weekend in the Soul Cravings series, it also happened to be a weekend designed for baptisms in service. Even though this is programmed every month, we don't usually have that element in the service every month at Montgomery. But we sure did this weekend, and I couldn't help feeling overwhelmed.

On Saturday night two families in our church baptized their daughters, who are both around eight or nine years old. I was the one who got to read their testimonies--I love reading testimonies of kids...mainly because they're short (their stories, that is, not them, although that is also true)...but also because they're so simple. Sometimes things just click with kids in a way that takes grown-ups a lifetime to comprehend. But as I read MacKenzie's story (it was hand-written, and only about 4 or 5 sentences long, mind you), it was all I could do to keep the tears from coming. I can't even remember what she said now, but I know that I got choked up by the simplicity of her writing about her relationship with Jesus.

The coolest moment was having the kids from Kids City, who were all friends of Kate and MacKenzie (the 2 girls getting baptized), come and sit in the front row in support of their friends. Each time one of the girls came up out of the water, their friends were so excited for them. I think they cheered louder than the adults. Even if they didn't fully comprehend the immensity of that moment, I think they all knew something big was happening. Our StuCo director, Tim Raad, baptized his daughter about a year ago (I think she's ten now), and she was my favorite part of the whole moment. When her friends came up out of the water, she jumped out of her chair with both fists lifted in the air, cheering for her new sisters in Christ.

Her enthusiasm was uncontainable.

Later I heard her talking to Kate, the two of them having a conversation about what it felt like to come up out of the water, and Destiny said to Kate, "I know how you felt when you came out of the water. You just felt so....so GOOD."

And a little child shall lead them in.

Sunday morning we had two more baptisms--a mother and daughter of one of my favorite families in our church. What a cool moment to see a whole family in the baptistry together, encouraging and supporting each other in their spiritual journeys.

These are the moments that make church worthwhile. These are the moments that infuse a hollow room with life, and energy, and the presence of God--so close that you can feel Him. I felt His smile this morning, and last night, as He watched His children celebrating life. Not empty life, but Life. These are more than rituals, they are proof of an ever-present, real, personal, loving, relentless God, who calls His children home.

Salvation is here. Don't contain yourself.

life...in context

Do you think objectivity really exists?

I mean, really exists. Is it possible to be truly objective in any given situation? Especially when asked to be objective, it seems nearly impossible to be so.

Here's why I think this is true. My Shakespeare class got me thinking about this. We did response writings last week and I was writing about how Shakespeare is almost never read and/or viewed objectively--there is always a context surrounding our experience of Shakespeare which then affects every experience we have with Shakespeare from that point on. Maybe you saw Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo & Juliet, and you loved him, so therefore you loved the film. Or maybe you didn't love him, so you didn't love the film. The point is that you didn't really experience Romeo & Juliet. You carried a lot into the viewing of that particular motion picture having to do with things other than the actual script. (And I'm not singling you out--this is the collective you to which I refer...)

The point is this: I doubt whether at this stage in my life I will ever be able to experience anything from an objective viewpoint. In the last 25 years I've had enough experiences that lie in deep recesses of my brain that can be triggered by any number of outside influences. Take Shakespeare again--I can't read Romeo & Juliet without thinking of my freshman English teacher since that's whose class in which I read the play for the first time. All of it--everything--has associations that may not be in our consciousness at any given moment, but can be triggered, which is why I am playing with this idea that we truly live life in context. I don't know if in our own personal lives we can ever take something "out of context", for we don't forget circumstances or experiences that easily.

Maybe the amnesiac can be objective. Or Jason Bourne. But the rest of us? Are we capable of making objective decisions? I don't know for sure.

I, personally, seem incapable of objectivity. Subjectivity, on the other hand, makes every experience interconnected with another...so that my life's context becomes as intricate as a spider web.

how exciting....

The highlight of the last week?

I have my own desk in our brand new office!

You don't understand.

I haven't had my own desk in the 3 years I've been working at CCC.

I have my own desk. I could even put up pictures if I wanted to. Of my friends and such, since everyone else has pictures of their kids, and I guess I could put up pictures of my kids, but....yeah, I don't have any.

I have my own desk!!

It's lame how excited I am about it.

I know, you don't have to tell me.

Everybody's working for the...weekend?

The weather this past week has convinced me 100% that I am not meant to hold a 9-5 job. Ever. I can't handle being indoors that long. Which is why my job is great. The only unfortunate part is that I don't have "weekends" anymore. This one was the closest I've had in a long time....though long and exhausting, it actually felt like a weekend.

One of my favorite things to observe is a group of friends who have known each other for a long time. That group of guys who have known each other since they were kids. And even though you feel like somewhat of an outsider listening to them talk about not just college, but high school and junior high, it's still entertaining to see them interact. I realized that I don't really have that. We moved so often when I was younger that I don't have any of the same friends I had in elementary school. There are a few I have known since junior high, but the bonds get weaker all the time, and even most of my friends from high school have begun to fall into the category of internet friends--we communicate via email, myspace, and/or facebook. And really, I'm ok with that. My life has gone through so many phases that I count this as just another phase....and keep going.

This weather was made for weekends and old friends. It feels good.

the storm

and then I see the storm coming
slowly swallowing the sky
a wall of darkness, yawning
across the softly starlit night

it comes with lightning
flashing, pulsing,
burning, searing in my eyes
it comes with thunder
growling
in the recess of my mind
it comes in forms I'd not suspected
lying on the shallow pavement--

bare feet twitching in the soft grass
shoes rejected,
bearers of blisters,
heels relaxing in their freedom--

and next to me
our elbows touching
(purposely or accident?)
the man I thought had left no traces
suddenly materialized

and as the wind picks up its speed
wrapping the chill in the evening breeze
I wonder if it's just the air
that's causing my pulse to race
that's feeding the color into my face
that's pricking the skin of my shoulders,
my arms,
causing the goosebumps to rise
in heightened awareness of how close it lies:

the storm
and his heartbeat
and maybe my life
all wrapped up together
with love intertwined--

up from the sidewalk
through cracks of cement
the lonely hope rises
the lovers' lament
of trust born and broken
and brought back to life
emerging triumphant
yet brittle and tired
and waiting...for something...

(it doesn't know what)

but the flash and the crash
and the fat drops of rain
interrupt
the beginning
the electric flame
and after it all
when the moment has passed

we wait for the storm to break.

raccoons?

Apparently we have some friendly neighborhood raccoons living on our roof.

They made a guest appearance after our small group dinner last night. Shelley and I went out to cover the grill and there they were, peeking in between the overhang of the roof of the house and the family room. I know raccoons are a nuisance, and not the kind of animal you really want hanging around, but they were little ones, and pretty cute....I made a few half-hearted attempts to try to scare them away, mainly by yelling (which, in case you were wondering, is pretty ineffective), but they were not threatened by me. They weren't even scared when we poked a long metal stick (the kind that you use to cook hot dogs over a bonfire) right at them....in fact, I think they wanted to play with it.

Seeing the raccoons that close took me back to fifth grade. When I was in fifth grade, my family lived in an apartment complex in Grand Rapids. I probably couldn't find it for you now, but it was sweet. At least to a fifth grader. Our apartment was on the ground floor, and we were at the edge of the complex, so not only did we have a pool for the whole summer, we had a large forest out back. An actual forest....with lots of trees. It was a haven for my sister and I. Growing up with a botany-teacher/naturalist father, we had a vast knowledge of all things having to do with forests. At least considering we were 9 and 11 years old. We would wander through the woods (what were my parents thinking?). I remember finding a sandy creek that had clear, clear water.....and sometimes little minnows. There was one spot where vines grew between the trees and made a swing. It probably wasn't the most sturdy thing to play on, but we did it anyway.

But the best part of that whole year was the spring.....when we saw the raccoons. They had been hanging around all year, but in the spring there were babies. For Becky and I, that was a highlight. They would come right up to our door and beg for food. They would even climb up the post to the deck above us. They were pretty daring little buggers. I remember not being able to leave the sliding door open in case they figured out how to get through the screen. It was always an adventure, waiting for the raccoons to show up.

Which might explain why they don't freak me out. I mean sure, they get into your garbage cans and climb on the roof and can make scary noises (Shelley will gladly tell you all about that), but their saving grace is that they're pretty cute.

Which can not be said of possums. I hate possums. (While we're on the subject of animals that live in the city that shouldn't...)

Sometimes I think I might be a country girl at heart.

And sometimes I walk out of the house and can't remember if I put on deodorant. Do you ever have those days? And then you feel self-conscious for the rest of the day, because by the time you've realized you don't know if you put on deodorant it's too late to go back and do it because you're already at work.

Today was one of those days.

on words

Words are such interesting things.
So much of my life has revolved around their usage--being an English major with a lifelong appreciation for books will do that to you.

My friend Bob and I were discussing this last weekend. We use so few of the words that we actually know in our everyday conversations. We have a few standards that we refer back to over and over again....and they are kind of lame, if I can be honest. And I have noticed that particularly in "Christian" circles, we use 2 adjectives for almost everything--most everything is either awesome or amazing.

I find nothing wrong with either of these words. I just find them overused and unoriginal. Especially when you can look through the dictionary and find so many more interesting words that are so much more descriptive.
It seems that when trying to describe the God that we follow or express our very small understanding of how He works in our lives, we should use the best words possible. And God truly is AWE-some; not in the same way that my favorite movie is awesome or that restaurant is awesome, but in a way that inspires awe in its truest form. And sometimes so many things can be amazing that I forget what it truly means to be amazed....to have that overwhelming sense of wonder, surprise, excitement.... It gets lost behind so many other mundane and mediocre words. I guess the truth is that we have no words to truly express our reaction to a God like ours. So we stumble over words that will never be enough.

I often feel this same sense of inadequacy in conversation with people. I have known for a long time that I am much more eloquent in print than in person. That has kept me from participating in a great many conversations over the course of my life, for fear of saying something unintelligent. It has also kept me from expressing a lot of emotion, for fear of saying something I don't really mean.

During the conversation with Bob on vocabulary, I tried to come up with a list of my top ten favorite words. It was much harder than I thought it would be. My number one favorite word right now is ethereal. It is a beautiful word that I can unfortunately never manage to get into conversation....

This blog post does not do justice to the concepts running through my head. My vocabulary, at this moment, is sadly lacking to express what I truly mean. For words are such interesting things...

on music (part un)

Music is a desperate being--
living, breathing, calling, freeing...
beckoning to something greater,
something far beyond ourselves.

I've been to three concerts in the past week, and each one has been different. The beautiful thing is that each concert, each style of music, had the power to evoke a different set of emotions for each experience. Take the Chicago Symphony Orchestra as example number one. Listening to a classical pianist play a Beethoven piano concerto, followed by Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, was a little glimpse into the world of dynamics--the power and precision of loudness and softness, in near perfection. How does a crescendo swell not only from each musician, but also stir in the souls of those listening? Why do I feel the need to close my eyes in order to better absorb the beauty of each note?

This past weekend I was in Springfield visiting my parents. One of the things I miss most about central Illinois is the clearness of the night sky. Saturday night was one of the most spectacular I have ever seen, with perhaps the exception of being in Africa. Over the weekend there was an annual meteor shower, the Perseids, and watching a few streak across the sky Monday night was really incredible. Looking at the sable sprinkled with sugared stars....and hearing the calming effect of the crickets and cicadas and far-away frogs....I couldn't help but feel that all of nature was playing its own symphony.

I don't think everyone hears the music of the universe. But I think it's there. Sometimes it goes unheard beneath the cluttered lives we live. There is something so satisfying about just listening....

And breathing.

For life sings its own song. And sometimes the dynamics surprise you.

on aging

So...I have a relatively significant birthday approaching in a week, which I am NOT excited about. But in my family, landmark birthdays happen in threes--my mom, my dad and I are usually at "important" birthdays in the same year.

My mom's was the big one this year, though, far eclipsing my own. She turned sixty on Sunday. Is it just me, or does sixty sound significantly older than fifty-nine? I mean, other people's moms turn sixty....grandmas turn sixty....not my mom, right? No, apparently she is sixty.

And really, my mom is so cute. But I notice more and more the wearing of age....around her face, on her hands, which have started to get age spots, and in the increasing softness of her skin.

It's funny how the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom and the life she has lived. I was having a discussion about destiny and fulfilling destiny and finding destiny this morning, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like my mom really has found and fulfilled her destiny. She went to nursing school in Newfoundland, joined a mission organization that worked out of Kenya, did her midwifery training in Edinburgh, Scotland, and worked in rural Kenya for about five years before meeting my dad, getting married, and settling into family life.

And I admire that.

Not just because she has a million great stories about living in Kenya....involving delivering babies in huts, being atop her Land Rover on safari and having lions circling on the ground below, or having a herd of elephants cross the road in front of her....but because she has lived. She has lived a bold and reckless and dangerous life, not just abroad, but in the context of her family as well.

I think more than anyone else in my life, my mother has taught me what unconditional love means. And commitment. And unrelenting patience. And I hope that I can age as gracefully as she has....and love life the way she does....and look hardship in the eye and steel myself against it, knowing that it is but a pothole in my road of destiny.

Do you ever think about what you are destined for?

I believe we are all destined for something....very rarely is it the greatness that the world values so much, it is found more often in the little things that make up a life--
feeding the ducks,
looking at spiderwebs,
swimming in the Great Lakes,
having a picnic,
sharing a memory,
a smile,
a laugh,
a tear,
and saying I love you.

This is my mom.

quirks

Do you ever stop to notice the quirky little things that YOU do that no one else does? Here are a few that I have noticed about myself lately....mainly because they have elicited questionable reactions from people lately:

I am a trash-folder. I have a serious problem with this. I can't crumple my trash....I must fold it before throwing it away.

I am an obsessive gum-chewer. I can't eat anything without chewing gum afterward. I hate the feeling of my teeth being dirty. Even having a beverage other than water makes me have the need for gum. And if I don't have any.....look out.

I can't straighten my legs completely. I have tried, many times, to do stretches and the like, but I cannot flatten my knees. It causes me massive amounts of pain. And mockery from my dance-teacher roommate.

I can't go to bed without washing my face. And often it is my favorite part of the day. Apparently I have commented on this many times, or so my roommate informs me.

I have to shower in the morning. Even if I have taken a shower the night before. I don't feel awake unless I have showered in the morning.

I had a much longer list, but I can't remember them all now. And I don't want to make myself look too freakish and/or insane.

i hope you dance....

I have observed several things about dancing lately.

First, I think dance is a beautiful art form. My roommate is a dance teacher, and I have developed so much more appreciation for dance since living with her. Three years ago I never would have been addicted to a show called So You Think You Can Dance.

But the above paragraph is, of course, in reference to trained dancers who have been taught technique and how to interpret music.

My observations come from the rest of the population.

I think dancing is something we all long to do, but the fear of looking stupid keeps us from moving to the beat of life. Seriously. It takes someone who either has no concept of self-consciousness or someone who actually doesn't care how they are perceived to be able to dance. Or, in some cases, just large quantities of alcohol.

But still....you have to grudgingly respect someone who will just start dancing when no one else is.

Case in point: Last Friday a group of us went to Bill's Blues Bar in Evanston, to hear....yes, a blues band. Shocking, I know. The layout of the bar was in no way conducive to a dance floor, yet dance floor there was. Started by one guy just dancing in the middle of the floor, all by himself. Anyone dancing along looks somewhat awkward, but it's worse when it's a guy. But the great thing was that this guy really didn't care. Maybe he was really drunk, but still....is that what it takes to rid us of our inhibitions? Because of course, those of us watching snickered a bit at his clumsy motions, myself included. It was incredibly amusing. But like I said, I had to give the guy a little credit.

A similar case happened at The Decemberists concert. Several people were dancing...and in this case, I use the word "dancing" loosely...and it made us laugh.

I think this is what holds me back from being one of those people. I laugh at them. And like a lot of other people, I don't want to be laughed at. So I am not a dancer. But something inside me really wants to dance sometimes. And I can only bring myself to really dance when I know without a doubt that no one can see me.

I am learning that I am a person with many inhibitions and insecurities. I broke out an old Sarah Masen CD last week, and discovered a lyrics that I had forgotten..."let's rip through the seams of our insecurities."

It struck me as beautifully accurate about myself.

So yeah, I got all that out of watching some guy dance in a bar. And some song lyrics.


(smile.)

summer in the city

I have been spending a lot more time in Chicago recently than I used to, and I find myself falling more in love with the city every time I'm there. Last night, on the recommendation of several people, I joined some friends in seeing The Decemberists play a free concert at Millennium Park. Arriving at 6:00 for a show that started at 6:30 was definitely not early enough, as the crowds were swarming already, but fortunately we were meeting some people who had been there since 4:00. Which was still not early enough to sit close enough to see the stage!

The concert was great--The Decemberists were joined by the Grant Park Orchestra, which was very cool. I was unfamiliar with their music prior to last night, but must say that I enjoyed their story-telling through song immensely.

The part I did not enjoy was the rain.

During the concert, it was more of a sprinkle, just enough to be annoying but not really to be a nuisance. That is to say, not annoying enough to make you leave. The real deluge came later.

Caren and I had not eaten dinner yet when the concert ended, so the whole group of us wandered a little ways down Michigan Ave to Chipotle. The rain had seemingly stopped by then....or so we thought until we were in line and Caren looked out the window and pointed out the sudden downpour. So it was on-again, off-again while we were eating. (We also had a slight delay at Chipotle due to a restroom situation--they require a key to get into the restroom, and the manager told us someone was in the women's restroom and to just wait until they came out. As far as I know, no one ever came out. So Caren and I took the plunge and used the men's restroom. It was fun to see the looks on the guys' faces when we came out.) But by the time we needed to leave it was of course pouring again.

So we ran for it.

It must have been hilarious to see six people jogging down Michigan Ave in the torrential downpour. By this point I was barefoot, since running in wet flip flops is never ideal.....running in flip flops any time is never ideal.

So the car ride home was fun. Caren and I felt bad for the guys, who had to ride the train back. I had to wring out my hair and my sweater before getting in the car.

And I think the rain may or may not have fried my phone. It wont' turn on anymore.

But it's a small price to pay for a good story....

sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself...

So the other day, I had to laugh at myself. The only other alternative was to be completely embarrassed.

I was trying to explain to someone where the Hancock building is, and I was 100% convinced that it was on the left side of Michigan Avenue if you're driving north. Except that by left, I actually meant right.

The really sad part is that I was completely adamant that I was correct, to the extent that I actually looked at the person trying to correct me as if they were stupid.

And then I realized that I don't know the difference between right and left.

So I've been forming an L with both hands lately in order to determine which hand is my left and which is my right.

You would think....at the age of 24.....that I would have this stuff down by now.

...and all the random things...

The best random things that have happened lately...are as follows.

Tuesday one of my piano students gave me a tract. She said her mom told her to give it to me. It didn't even have pictures...just a lot of reading.

Harry Potter at midnight...at the IMAX...with Keith, Shelley, and JK. Being in public with one Keith Martinkus at any point in time is always an adventure, but his antics are heightened after 10:00 pm when in a theater full of mostly high school kids. Not to mention that they gave us 3D glasses...which provided a great deal of entertainment for all parties. Keith is most proud of his t-shirt...he walked proudly through the theater sporting a green shirt proclaiming "Snape Happenz." It was supposed to say "Snape Happens" but we only had one S in the packet....so we improvised. This was all in an effort to keep him from being in "the burnt orange zone" (on the anger scale from red to green, red being the most angry) due to a fiasco on Saturday to which he refuses to let go. This experience was also made more enjoyable by Shelley, the most flexible person I know, continually throwing her legs over the railing in various attempts at "sexy" poses as we took pictures in our 3D glasses. As we were in the first row at the IMAX, Shelley decided to test Keith's devotion to her by claiming she dropped her flip flop over the railing into the sloping pit at the base of the screen...he was not dedicated enough to their relationship to make the sacrifice and jump over the railing.

Sunday it was so hot that JK and I decided we needed to buy a pool. Pictures to follow. It is inflatable. And magnificent.

Several exciting pieces of information:
I bought a macbook and am currently blogging on it. I'm very excited.
I found out that I got accepted into the English graduate program at DePaul. What a huge relief!

Also, I am currently addicted to Scrubs.

details.

My roommate, Shelley, and I just took the shortest "vacation" imaginable. But it was great. We drove to South Carolina on Monday night/Tuesday, stayed 2 days with her parents, who live near Hilton Head, and drove back Friday. All day Friday. Here are the highlights.

I think all the trees that were supposed to be in the Midwest mistakenly got dumped in Kentucky, Tennessee, and North Carolina. Driving through the Smoky Mountains was probably one of the best parts of the trip; miles and miles of green as far as you can see, fading to a blue haze in the distance.

The ocean is an awe-inspiring thing, even when you're there on a day the weather sucks. We decided to go to the beach on Thursday, but of course Thursday dawned overcast. We were determined, though, so we packed up and headed to Hilton Head Island for the beach. Even though we left with less of a tan than we had hoped, a little chilly, and covered with sand due to the extreme wind, I count it as a good day. There is nothing like the feeling of walking a beach, the sand squishing between your toes, the tide coming in and the water a pleasantly warm temperature swirling around your ankles.

We ate at a Jazz Club on Thursday night, which was possibly one of the most fun things I've done in weeks, maybe months. I hope everyone appreciates the skill level that jazz musicians have achieved. It was incredible. They played a 2-hour set before taking a break.

And on the drive home yesterday, I was bound and determined to stop at a Chick-Fil-A, since I love it, they serve sweet tea, and Shelley had never eaten there. Even though we had to go to a mall food court, it was worth the effort.

And I mustn't leave out the fact that I read aloud several chapters from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to Shelley while she drove. We are getting ready for the new movie and the new book, so since she hadn't finished book 6 yet, we were speeding the process along. Reading aloud is really fun. It made me realize how much I skip over when I'm reading silently, because it took forever to get through each chapter. And sadly, I can't do a British accent, so I'm afraid my version was less than authentic.

Of course, with much time to think come many new thoughts about life, my life in particular. These are still being processed and saved for another post. But God is beckoning me to let Him hold my heart for now, safe in the palm of His hand, and that His beauty is what restores my sanity.

Currently reading:
The Namesake--Jhumpa Lahiri
Orthodoxy--G.K. Chesterton

thoughts on art.

I am an artist. I've known this for a long time, and a lot of you who know me would probably say you've known that for a long time too, but sometimes I forget.

I forget that artists are some of the luckiest people in the world.

I forget that a lot of people don't get art. A lot of people don't appreciate it or understand it, and therefore dislike it.

That makes me sad.

Art is one of the most beautiful things about life. I just spent the last 3 days at the Willow Creek Arts Conference. Their title this year? Hallelujah....What's Right with the World.

How appropriate.

Because not only are artists the sensitive, soul-searching types...we also can be cynics. I don't like to think of myself as a cynic. I would love to be able to say that I'm an optimist. But I'm not. And living in a world that disregards art makes being an artist discouraging at times. Being an artist who is trying to convey that art is not just about beauty, it's about God's beauty....is suffocating at times. Because the world, on the whole, doesn't get that.

And I don't get how you could NOT get that.

How can you look at a tree and not see the hand of God? Have you ever really looked at a tree? Try it. Look at a tree in winter. I love trees in winter (one of the few things I enjoy about the cold season). All the branches are exposed, revealing the intricacies of this plant that grew from a single seed. I love trees in spring, when the leaves are just starting to emerge. I love trees in summer when the leaves have burst forth, bright and full and a thousand different shades of the color commonly known as green. I love trees in the fall, stripped of their chlorophyll, revealing the colors that lie hidden underneath.

How could you not see God in that?

How can you look at a waterfall, a rainbow, a thunderstorm, a mountain range, a desert, an ocean, a child's smile, a budding rose, the summer stars, a sunset, a dance, a painting, and not see beauty? And at the heart of that beauty, the essence of our Creator?

Call me crazy, because that's how I see the world. God is most present to me in the works of His hands. And the works of His hands are one of the biggest things RIGHT with the world. Definitely the biggest thing right with MY world.

It's been a trying few weeks. Life has this way of throwing things at you that you don't expect, and sometimes can't accept. No one expects heartbreak, but it catches up to all of us eventually.

Eventually is probably my least favorite word at the moment. Everyone always says that things will work out eventually, or that you will be OK eventually, or that they will do this or that eventually.....my friend Bob soothed my heart when he wished for me that he could make eventually be yesterday. Because then the eventual healing of my heartache would have already happened.

But the gut-wrenching beauty of this world....while it brings me to the verge of tears, a place I have been quite frequently since June 1st, it reminds me of my Love. And my Love reminds me that I am His artist. And that He created this beauty. For me. In my heartache, He gives me the devastating beauty of the world.

I love the song ALWAYS by Hillsong United for this reason....

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked with my Maker's fingerprints?...

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?....

Hillsong United....rock & roll....

So I know I don't blog about my job very often, but here's a job-related post.

One of the things I am most passionate about in my life is worship through music. I know there are lots of other ways to worship, but I connect to God best through music. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that God genetically engineered me as a musician, who knows.

So last night, a whole bunch of our arts teams from various CCC campuses went to see Hillsong United in concert. They are a kickin' worship band from Australia. We have been introducing their songs left and right in the past eight months or so, which means we have officially shifted from Crowder Community Church to Hillsong Community Church. In fact, we finally planned our first service with ALL Hillsong United songs this past week. It was quite an accomplishment.

I didn't take any pictures....because they told me not to. The big screen said no cameras or video recording devices. But if you would like to experience a little bit of the concert, check out Bill Carroll's blog (www.multisitearts.com). Apparently he didn't follow the rules. He also posted several pictures of Lucas with his hands way in the air....I don't know why he is so weird. But I did inform him that his shirt was clearly not up to stage standards, because you're supposed to do the arm check before you leave the house. If you raise your hands and your stomach is showing, you are not dressed appropriately to be on stage. Good thing we were just in the parking lot.

It was a great show. Great company as well. We didn't get home until after midnight due to a post-concert stop at Steak 'n Shake because we were all dying of hunger. It's been a while since I'd been to a worship conference...as a worship leader, it's nice to be able to go to a worship service and just relax instead of analyzing everything to death.

Thank God for youth group bands from Australia who write really catchy songs with great instrumental hooks.

finales...etc.

Thank God for DVR....sometimes. It helps when you remember to set your favorite TV shows to record.

So Wednesday night, we watched the whole 2 hours of the American Idol finale...except for the last 5 minutes where they actually told us who won. Because our DVR cut it off.

And then to my extreme disappointment, we forgot to record LOST. So I had to wait a whole day to see the LOST finale. Which was well worth the wait. It was a brilliant episode. Oh man.

Heroes was a little bit...disappointing. I mean, they built it up to this big moment all season, and then...it didn't happen. Which I guess was good. But still a little anti-climactic. And of course, the villain got away. The villain always gets away.

Oh, and don't even get me started on Grey's Anatomy last week. The fact that they left almost every relationship or possible relationship on the show in shambles....as the finale??....is just plain irritating.

But the good news is that my blog will (hopefully) consist of more than talking about TV for the next few months.

Speaking of finales, we had our recital for School for the Arts last week, and it was madness, I tell you. The thing that I love/hate about recitals is how nervous all my students get. I love it because it's good for them to feel that pressure, but they get nervous and they don't play as well. Almost all of my students played better in their lessons that week than they did at the recital. But nevertheless, I was proud of them all in the end. It was kind of a long semester, and today is our last day of lessons.

I still feel like I deserve a summer break. Anyone else sympathize? I feel like I don't want to do as much work during the summer. I want to be lazy. And go on vacation. Even though I've been out of college for 3 years. Alas, the joys of being an adult....

the few. the proud. the viewers of LOST.

So let's take a moment to review my current TV habits.
The American Idol Season Finale is next week, so I will have 2 nights of my life back. And I don't know who's going to win. Honestly. It could go any way right now, that's the mystery of it all. What will happen? Who can say?

But it's spring, so everyone is ready to wrap up their seasons. I am also eagerly anticipating the end of Heroes next Monday, because they have promised to answer many of my questions, and we finally get to see who blows up New York City, or doesn't, whatever the case may be. It will all be resolved, and a new conflict will start next season, and I will buy the first season on DVD and watch all of the episodes in a row, back to back to back....maybe not.

But speaking of wrapping things up....the classic show that refuses to wrap things up is once again one of my favorites. That's right, I am part of the few, the proud, the loyal fans of LOST. I never stopped watching, even when the beginning of this season totally sucked and it seemed like the writers didn't have a clue what to do (oh wait, I still think they don't have a clue). They came back with a vengeance after their 2-month hiatus in the winter, and now I can't stop watching. It's like the first season again--the mystery, the questions, the chaos and confusion...LOST is back, people. Start watching again. But they have signed on for another three seasons at least, which means that my questions will not be answered in the coming weeks, months, years...maybe ever. But I keep watching in the hope that eventually...all the stuff that doesn't make sense....maybe, just maybe, it will. Someday.

And as for my own long hiatus from blogging, that can best be explained by the fact that my laptop (my free laptop from the church that was several years old) has died. The hard drive crashed. Which sucks. And my desktop? It won't connect to the internet. So the only computer available at home (which is usually where I do my blogging) is Shelley's laptop, which is in use most of the time due to its being the only working computer in our house...and there are still 4 of us who live there.

wow...

Random things that happened over the weekend:

1. My cousin and his girlfriend came up to visit. A good start to the weekend.
2. Lucas, Nick, Shawn, and Jake did a live podcast as the opening act for our show on Friday night. A good start to the show.
3. Bastian came on loud and strong...and then my sound board started smoking, not as in cigarettes, as in smoke coming out of the board...it smelled awesome. Not the best way to end the show.
4. I ran the Kingdom 5K in about 26 minutes. Not the greatest time ever, but for the girl who couldn't finish the mile in high school PE, I'm pretty dang proud of myself.
5. I played guitar (again!) this weekend...my fingers were killing me! It's about time that I stop being a wus...I'm working on it.
6. Lucas, Tyler, Joni Kay, and I went to P.F. Chang's for dinner on Saturday. It was my first time. I must say, it was quite a delight. Who knew lettuce wraps could be so incredibly enjoyable?
7. Lots of drama with my high school small group the past few weeks. Drama, drama, drama....
8. I had a high school/college flashback while eating lunch on Sunday at Lucas's....I realized that we were having a cookout and I was the only girl out of the 7 attenders.
9. Lucas and Tyler bought a grill and I helped assemble it last night with them. Sometimes having small fingers comes in handy.
10. I have now watched Die Hard and Die Hard 2. Die Hard 3 is up next....just soon enough that when Die Hard 4 comes out, we're ready to go see it.

This is my life in a nutshell. And my laptop is on the fritz, which sucks.

it's the little things...

Yesterday I saw a power walker. It was really amusing to me. I don't understand how someone can swing their arms so violently. Power walkers always look like they want to be running, they just can't convince their legs to bridge the gap.

It finally feels like spring might be here!

Baby shower tomorrow night...my roommates have been working hard. I have not. But I did help clean the house yesterday. It was much needed. We're slobs, apparently.

I am slowly but surely turning into a rock star. I played electric guitar at church this weekend. And now I have the bug. It was way fun. I want to do it again. Other than the fact that my fingers KILLED when the weekend was over (actually, before it was over), it was a total blast.

Kingdom 5K this Saturday! Sign up, raise money for Kansas City, and get yourself some good exercise. I'll be there. So you know you want to come.

And oh, when I watch American Idol tonight, Haley won't be there. It will be great.

a different kind of writing....

April 12th,
barren branches still stretching
eagerly toward the sky
expecting, in return,
the inevitable triumph of life.
Daffodils,
caught unaware by the sudden snow,
wilted
and mourning their lives
cut short

it’s not supposed to be…
…this soon.

Water, in stray puddles,
catches and holds the waning light,
reflecting shades of silver
into the encroaching night

it’s not supposed to be…
…this hard.

Our hearts break a little
in light of the unending winter…
we’re waiting for spring,
the return of the living,
the breathing and crying,
the bleeding and dying…
the shards of the heart
scatter far, scatter wide
seeking corners and crevices,
places to hide—
the tulips are waiting
to unlock their blooms
to rise from the ashes
of over-filled tombs

it’s not supposed to be…
…You

are the only one left here to blame,
to question, to shout at,
to bury my shame—
at the end of the day, nothing’s finished,
but

Everything’s changed.

a discovery

Today I confirmed that there is a direct correlation between the weather and my state of mind. It is almost impossible for me to get out of bed when it is cold, cloudy, and raining. It also makes me less motivated and lethargic.

Not to mention that it sucks that it's April 11th and snowing.

Whew....

It's been really busy this past week, which explains the lack of posts.

So we had Easter. Only the second biggest weekend of the year for those of us in the church business. And it was a great weekend. I couldn't imagine things going any better than they did. It was one of the best services I think we've ever done, so moving, and almost everything went off without a hitch. Not to mention we had packed services. It was so incredible.

Turns out my vitamins have served me well. All three of my roommates and Lucas have been sick this past week, and I have not felt under the weather. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty excited that I'm still healthy.

And apparently my house is obsessed with The Office. I think it's the most awkward show EVER. A little offensive and extremely awkward. But admittedly funny. "It'll be OK, I just wish people were going to be drunk."

And it snowed today. What??

Things I hadn't seen before, but now I have:

A man driving with his foot hanging out the window.
It kind of scared me to think about him driving. And if he got in an accident, I don't imagine it would feel great.

A man changing lightbulbs on a stoplight.
Apparently they are hinged on the side (stoplights, that is) and they open so that the bulbs underneath can be changed. Interesting.

The Billy Graham "museum" at Wheaton College.
My parents came up (randomly) last Monday, and they wanted to go to the Billy Graham Museum. So we did. Only my parents would want to do that. Lucas can't stop talking about it.

A man wearing white capris.
He matched his girlfriend. And he also had a sweater around his shoulders. Men should never wear white pants. When I was young, I remember my dad had white swim trunks. Probably not the best idea, but at least I didn't know it then. They were also shorter than most swim trunks should be, but it was the 80s. My dad is also whiter than all get-out, so the swim trunks didn't do anything to help that.

But I digress.

Please don't think less of my dad.

johnny rockets

So this place Johnny Rockets recently opened by the Showplace 12 on Rt. 59 and 95th Street. Turns out it's a 50's style hamburger and milkshake joint....a little more authentic brand of Steak 'n Shake. (Not that I don't love Steak 'n Shake...)

So we had just left the mall and were driving around aimlessly because the mall closed an hour earlier than we thought it would....and the girls (Krista and Chelsea) mentioned that they were kind of hungry. Our first stop was to Jamba Juice, which was also closed, just like the mall, so then we ventured further toward home and Johnny Rockets.

So we pulled up and this conversation followed:

Krista: Johnny Rockets, that sounds familiar....
Charissa: I think someone told me it was in a movie or a TV show or something.
Krista: Oh yeah, I think it's in Back to the Future!
Charissa: There's no Johnny Rockets in Back to the Future.
Krista: Johnny something....
Charissa: I think you're thinking of when he sings Johnny B. Goode.
Krista: (laughing) Oh yeah! Now I want to hear that song.

So we get to our table and it turns out that there are little mini-jukeboxes at the tables. So Krista got really excited that she could play Johnny B. Goode. There was a slot for a nickel, with a nickel already in it, which added to the excitement....which was soon dampened when the nickel wouldn't actually go into the machine. So in her frustration, Krista pushed the number for Johnny B. Goode about 7 or 8 times. And we moved on with our meals.

Then....it turns out that the waiters do a song and dance number at various points in the day....and they happened to do one while we were there, shortly after the jukebox encounter. So that was exciting. Then when their number ended, we heard the tail end of Johnny B. Goode playing over the speakers. Again, Krista got all excited, but was disappointed that she couldn't hear the whole song.

Turns out the next song was Johnny B. Goode. And the one after that. And I think the one after that too....apparently the nickel is just for show. If you push the button enough times, they'll play your selection....3 times in a row.

I don't think I need to hear Johnny B. Goode for a long time.

And Johnny Rockets was pretty dang good. But not from Back to the Future.

what a weekend!

So....several of my friends from Springfield were up this weekend to participate in our services. It was a blast! There were definitely 7 people crammed into the house, plus the roommates, so I think we set a record for number of people sleeping at Casa de Estrogen. It was so much fun, though.

We started off the weekend by going to bed REALLY late....I mean, my eyes haven't seen the other side of 1 AM for quite sometime, and we went WAY past that....but it was so fun! Two of the girls in the youth group (from my previous church) came up with the band, and they stayed in my room with me, so of course we were up chatting about everything and nothing...I miss them! I start feeling old when former youth group kids hit big milestones...like graduating from high school, going to college, getting married, etc.

Our services rocked the universe this weekend. I think Sunday's 11:00 service may have been one of my all-time favorites...and to think, this was on a weekend where we talked about sex in the message. The music was great, the message was great, the service was PACKED, and we baptized 4 people. It was awesome to have all that God-energy filling up the room. You could just feel it in the air.

The girls and I tried out a new restaurant that has opened near my house....Johnny Rockets. This deserves its own blog entry, so I'll save that for tomorrow. If you haven't heard of it or experienced it, I recommend it. You'll have a good time. Try the jukebox at your table. :o)

And today, it FINALLY felt like spring. And I hope it's going to stay that way. The weather has a direct correlation with my frame of mind and my mood, so everyone else should pray for great weather also. It makes the world a happier place.

in the past week...

...I have:

-been to Lake Geneva
-been to a spa
-had an aromatherapy wrap (weird, but overall a good experience)
-worn flip-flops
-put away my winter coat
-gotten out my winter coat
-driven to the airport
-been pulled over on the way back from said airport and written a warning for driving "64 in a 55"...on interstate 55, where no one goes 55... (bit of a sore spot, perhaps??)
-discovered that I can fit another bed in my room
-looked forward to having 8+ people stay in my house this weekend!
-eaten Mexican food twice in one day
-received 2 less-than-nice emails
-booked my first major label band for a concert
-finished a book
-not finished the other book...

Whew. It's been a little crazy. I haven't even had time to watch all my TV shows this week. :o)

bridge to terabithia

So when I saw that they were making a cinematic feature of the book Bridge to Terabithia, I was quite excited, because I read it in a Children's Lit class in college, and it was very good. Haven't seen the movie yet (due to the fact that no one is really interested in seeing it with me and I don't go to movies alone), but from the previews it looked different than I remembered the book. So I read the book yesterday.

It lived up to my memory of its good-ness.

I really liked this part.

"That whole Jesus thing is really interesting, isn't it?"
"What d'you mean?"
"All those people wanting to kill him when he hadn't done anything to hurt them." She hesitated. "It's really kind of a beautiful story--like Abraham Lincoln or Socrates--or Aslan."
"It ain't beautiful," May Belle broke in. "It's scary. Nailing holes right through somebody's hand."
"May Belle's right." Jess reached down into the deepest pit of his mind. "It's because we're all vile sinners God made Jesus die."
"Do you think that's true?"
Jess was shocked. "It's in the Bible, Leslie."
She looked at him as if she were going to argue, then seemed to change her mind. "It's crazy, isn't it?" She shook her head. "You have to believe it, but you hate it. I don't have to believe it, and I think it's beautiful." She shook her head again. "It's crazy."

talk it up

We are having our 2nd concert event at Montgomery campus next Friday night at 7:30 pm. Several of my good friends from Springfield will be coming up to not only do a show on Friday night but also to lead worship that weekend! I couldn't be more excited to have them experience CCC.

Check out our website for future events: www.narthexmusic.com

We are hoping to make this (eventually) a community outreach...thing. (Couldn't think of a better word.) So help us spread the word! And if you know of any good bands looking for somewhere to play, pass them along. I am always on the quest for quality live music to book for Narthex.

oh, Friday...

Here are some things that happened today...

At School for the Arts we have recently started a bulletin board where we post Star Students each month. I nominated 2 of my students this month...yes, I'll admit, they may be my 2 favorites...but Samantha, one of my "star students", had her lesson today, so I showed her where her name was up on a shamrock on the bulletin board, and she was SO excited. I mean, she was SO excited. It was about the cutest thing I've ever seen. I am so proud of her, though, so it was awesome to see her excitement. It almost made me cry a little bit. Almost. A little bit. It was a very touching moment.

JoniKay, Kimberly, and I went to a store to paint pottery this evening. The artist in me had a really good time. We get our pieces back in a week, so I have to wait to see the results!

JoniKay and I are currently watching Hogan Knows Best. Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke is getting ready to release her CD on the episode, and it shows her straightening Hulk's hair. Bizarre-o.

I may or may not enjoy watching Hogan Knows Best. You should give it a shot.

health...and stuff

Those of you who know me probably wouldn't consider me a health nut. I mean, I'm a reasonably healthy person, but by no means am I a health NUT. I enjoy a good old slab of chocolate as much as the next guy. But I decided that since Lucas has cut back his soda intake for Lent (or indefinitely, we'll see how that goes) and that's a pretty big deal for him, that the least I could do is cut back on my junk food intake for Lent (or indefinitely...we'll see how it goes).

But I realize that "junk food" is a rather broad category, so I've spent the last week trying to decide what classifies as junk food. And notice that I said I'm cutting back, not stopping completely. That is important. So I've decided that mainly it means a lot of desserts (oh no!), most chips, soda (oh wait, I don't drink that anyway), and candy. This has been a good experiment for me so far....I am trying to only have one portion of "junk food" a day. Yesterday I had 2 little chocolate brownies for lunch, and that was it! I was pretty stinking proud of myself.

The one thing I am a nut about is vitamins. For the last year and a half or so I've been on a daily regimen of 2-3 vitamins: I take a daily multivitamin and rotate between a vitamin C supplement and echinacea during the peak of cold/flu season. And I'm proud to say that I have not been sick since the spring of 05. (And that was a bad one, so I'm relieved that I haven't had to relive that!) Seriously, not even a cold in the last almost 2 years. I ran out of my multivitamin about a week ago, and since my mom didn't get me any for Christmas this year (yes, she actually does most years....she's weird like that), I haven't made it out to buy more yet. But I did discover that we have a bottle of prenatal vitamins in our cupboard. Why? I have no idea. But I've been taking them, and so far haven't noticed any significant changes in my mood and/or hormone levels...plus, I think my skin is clearing up. That may or may not be a direct effect of the vitamins, but I like to think it is. So I may end up sticking with those, unless anyone can point out to me some disadvantages of taking prenatal vitamins when I am not and have no intention of being pregnant any time in the next 5-7 years.

I do wonder why, in a house of 4 single girls, there is a bottle of prenatal vitamins. It is a mystery.

Quite possibly the best show on television right now.

my pastor could beat up your pastor....

This article appeared in our local newspaper today about Dave Ferguson, lead pastor of CCC. It's awesome to work with someone so gifted and yet so humble about himself.


5 Questions: Dave Ferguson
February 26, 2007

Dave Ferguson has a green thumb when it comes to growing congregations.
He is lead pastor and co-founder of Community Christian Church, a nondenominational faith community which has grown to eight sites: Romeoville, Chicago, Shorewood, Plainfield, Montgomery, Yorkville and two in Naperville. In addition, the church has launched 10 other churches in cities across the country including Boston, Denver and Knoxville.

Ferguson, 44, was born in Missouri and raised in Chicago's south suburbs. He is the oldest of three children of the Rev. Earl Ferguson, pastor of a church in Chicago, and his wife, Pat.

A 1981 graduate of Crete-Monee High School, Ferguson entertained the idea of being an attorney but decided instead that he could make a bigger difference in people's lives through the church. He graduated from Lincoln Christian College with a degree in the Bible and teaching and from Wheaton College with a master's degree in education.

He came to Naperville in 1988 with a dream of starting his own church. With the help of his wife, Sue, brother, Jon, and a few friends from college, he began to lay the groundwork by going door to door to some 5,000 homes over a four-month period to find out what people were looking for in a church. That input has figured into the church's services, music, ministries and even its name.
Ferguson held the first service in 1989 in the cafeteria at Naperville Central High School. Some 465 people showed up, many of whom had not been to church for some time. Three years later the congregation moved to Naperville North High School, currently one of the church's two Naperville locations. The other is affectionately known as the "Yellow Box" which was built six years ago at the corner of Ogden Avenue and Rickert Road.

Today, about 5,000 people attend Sunday services at Community Christian Church, which has been named the 13th-most influential church in America by "The Church Report" and the seventh-most innovative church in the country by Outreach Magazine. One of those innovations is the subject of a new book written by Ferguson along with his brother, Jon, who is executive director of the church's New Thing Network, and Eric Bramlett, church creative arts director. "The Big Idea," published by Zondervan earlier this month, shows church leaders the benefits of focusing their congregations on one major theme every week rather than bombard them all at one time with several concepts.

Ferguson's other interests include sports, basketball, running, coaching his children's athletic teams and reading. He and his wife have three children, Amy, Josh and Caleb.

1. What made you choose Naperville to begin your church?
Naperville was a very fast-growing community and the demographics told us there were a lot of people moving here and they'll be looking for a church. It made sense in a couple of different ways. ... Part of our early vision was we knew this was a place of both affluence and influence and if we could get these people really excited about the things that Jesus talks about, about the way God really dreamed the world could be, if we could get those people excited about it, really the sky's the limit.

2. How does God make his presence known to you?
I think God speaks to people in different ways. ... For me there's a couple of ways, but one way in particular is I try to start my day with journaling. I read the Bible and I journal and when I journal one of the things I always do is I pick out a piece of scripture and I'll write it out. ... I always draw a line and after I draw the line I sit there and wait to see if God brings anything to mind. So I have a fundamental assumption that yes, God wants to communicate. And as things come to mind I jot those down. Now I don't assume that everything that comes into my mind comes from him, because lots of things pop in my head. But sometimes you kind of say 'you know what? I wouldn't have thought of that.' That feels like that was maybe from God.

3. What do you want people to take away from reading your book?
I hope they would take away that the instruction that God gives us and Jesus gives us in his word is really meant not to just be known in our head, but lived out in our life.

4. How would you describe yourself?
I don't feel real comfortable with the term pastor because I think the assumption people have when you think of pastor you think of somebody who basically shows up once a week and delivers a homily to a bunch of people. If I could make my own title I think it would be spiritual entrepreneur. That's what I'd like to be. I think my job is to help create communities of people who help people find their way back to God.

5. Who was the biggest influence in your life?
I think my parents have been very influential. My dad is somebody who really likes people. ... He's the real deal. My mom, she's a very emotionally healthy person and consequently, I think I received the benefits of that. I'm not sure I ever really felt insecure. I remember going to college for the very first time and having this twinge of self doubt and it was a foreign thing for me. I realize most people, because of the situation in which they grew up, it's a very familiar feeling. I was well into adulthood and there was a voice inside of me saying 'you can do that.' I really think that was her.

Blast

I love student ministry. Honestly. Even when it's hard and you can't make students understand what you want them to understand, I still love it.

This past weekend we had our high school retreat. Props to the StuCo staff--this was an amazing event. The set was incredible, the sessions were incredible, speakers, arts, everything. And my small group was awesome. But I'll get there.

I've been leading a small group of high schoolers for the last 2 years. (I started out at CCC with junior high....not for me. God bless junior high small group leaders.) When they came in last year, my girls were freshmen, and we were really all feeling each other out, trying to decide if we were going to get along, if we were going to be friends, if we were going to trust each other. Apparently they decided yes to all of the above, because we are still a small group now that they're sophomores and I love seeing how close they have become. Here are a bunch of girls that didn't know each other a year and a half ago, and now they share their darkest stuff and constantly support each other. It's amazing to me.

It's also amazing to me that I have gotten to baptize 2 of them.

Last year, post-Blast, Megan decided to be baptized in service, and asked Nick and I to baptize her. It was the first time I'd done it, and it was incredible. Sunday night Erin asked if I would baptize her at Blast, and it was also incredible. It was so awesome to see both of them not be able to stop smiling, and it was amazing to hear them talk about what they felt during the experience.

There is something so powerful and emotional about students giving themselves over to God.

The only time I actually got emotional this past weekend was during the first session. After the message we were singing together, and during Here is Our King, I looked around to see 200-some students getting it. They were totally engaged, celebrating God, singing their hearts out, raising their hands, and joyfully praising God. And it made me tear up a little. Actually, more than a little. But I love that song--"here is our King, here is our Love, here is our God who's come to bring us back to Him..." How much more accurate can you get? And how awesome is it to hear students declaring that in song?

I am so glad that God brings us back to Him. No matter how often we slip away. No matter how many times we trip and fall.

And I'm so glad that I have my high school girls to remind me of that. Redemption is an incredible thing. Something that we take too lightly. But it can change our souls.

thoughts on winter

Remember winters when you were a kid? They were the best ever! We lived in Michigan for most of my childhood, first in Mt. Pleasant (which is further north) and then in Grand Rapids. But my grandma lived in Canada, so we would go to visit her almost every other weekend when the driving conditions were tolerable, so I remember countless hours spent outside in the snow. My dad would come out and help us dig tunnels in these 5-foot snowbanks piled up in front of my grandma's house, and Becky and I would be out in the snow for hours on end...I remember coming inside and not being able to feel my toes, my fingertips, my nose, my ears--no matter how much clothing I would wear. One time I licked a metal shovel...and that didn't go over so well. I didn't actually get stuck, but I remember pulling the shovel away really fast and seeing a layer of skin left on the metal. I don't think I told my parents about that. And one time we went sledding and my mom nearly broke her tailbone by going off a ramp that some kids had built at the park down the street. I don't think Becky and I fully understood how painful that probably was for her....now that I'm getting older, it's finally starting to make sense. And even when I was in high school, my friends and I would go sledding at Pasfield Park or Centennial Park (which is not a natural hill--it's just a big pile of dirt that was turned into a hill). And it was fun.

I don't really enjoy winter any more. And I think it's because I drive so much. If snow would not affect roads or make my windshield impossible to see through, I wouldn't mind it so much. But when I have to dig my car out, I am not a happy camper. And it's cold for so long....I am ready for spring. Maybe even summer.

But if you ask me to go sledding, I might say yes. As long as it's not terribly cold. Or windy. Or snowing. And I don't have to drive very far. Maybe you could come pick me up. Because it really is fun.

over the weekend...

We had a birthday party for Shelley on Friday night. She is 26...and loving that she is 26!

Bill gave Shelley the greatest birthday gift anyone could ask for...

...a framed picture of the Yellow Box.

So then it turned out that she had trick candles on her cake...that was exciting.

So we played some games and hung out....and John Gutierrez won BOTH rounds of Left, Right, Center, which means he took all our money TWICE. It was very upsetting.

So anyway, Saturday night we got to celebrate Shelley's birthday AGAIN.... by going to the United Center to see...


We were all a little skeptical at first, especially Shelley....


But it turned out to be pretty fun.



And by the end of the night, Shelley was a little more excited.


Oh, and this is what Breanne and I did during the SuperBowl....

Clearly the game was riveting.

And you know it's been winter for too long when you go outside and it's 30 degrees and you say to yourself...hey, it's not that cold today.